Susan : Is everything alright? What in the hotel? Although in the gents a couple of weeks ago I did see that someone had drawn a ladies part [Alan draws a triangle shape with his finger]. It was quite detailed. Is she new? Susan : Yes, she is. Love to get my hands on the bastard, [Sophie walks back behind reception] or bitch, might be a lady.
Sophie : Susan, can I take five minutes? Susan : Yes, of course. Alan : Nipping off for a fag? Alan : Michael, Michael. I was just saying to Susan, bit of a job for you. Unfortunately some vandals have sworn all over my car again. Michael : Vandals eh Mr. Partridge, makes you wonder what is all aboot. Alan : Aboot? Michael : Aye, you know vandals, you know, what is it all aboot. Alan : Oh, about! Alan : What? Alan : Sorry, Michael that was just a noise.
And a broken home is not an excuse for evil. Look at you, do you go around drawing peep hole bras on the wall? Alan : Well there you go, they taught you a trade. Minor repairs. Michael : Oh aye.
Then make a programme about it. I look at the changing shape of ladies through the ages. From fat chubby ladies of the renaissance to hard-faced Cromwelling sour pusses. Right up to 20th century well-toned women like Sharon Davies and, Jet from Gladiators. Jet from Gladiators to host a millennium barn dance at Yeovil aerodrome. Alan : Would you like me to lap dance for you? I want a second series. Alan : [Alan is woken by Lynn knocking on his hotel room door] Fight you!
Lynn : Just me. Lynn : Oh good. Alan : Thank you. What have you got for me, Lynn? Alan : Oh, good. Have you got my fungal foot powder? Lynn : I also rang all the companies on the product list you gave me. Fosters menswear said yes if you get the second series, and you wear one garment a week on air. Monza said no a free caravan and yes to a tow bar.
Dolphin Bathrooms? I know for a fact Martin Lewis got two power showers out of them. One for him, and one for his brother-in-law. Dry skin cream? Having an attack of the old flakes again. This morning my pillow looked like a flapjack. So you be Tony Hayers. Alan as Tony Hayers : Hello Tony how are you? How are you? Alan : Oooh, very busy! Lynn : Would you like a second series of your chat show? Lynn : We might give you a second series. Ok, small talk.
Would you like a Cuban cigar, Tony? Lynn : Oh, yes please! Alan : Rolled on the thighs of a virgin! Enjoy it. Be a bit weird. You said you might give me a second series.
Why is there any doubt? Lynn : Things have to be compartmentalised, Alan. For example, in this drawer. You erm. You have things. And erm, sometimes you have too many things. Ok, doomsday scenario. You, Tony Hayers, have decide not to give me another television series. Be tough. Lynn : Well Alan, the ratings for the first series started poorly and went downhill from there.
Alan: Are you being Lynn or Tony? Lynn : Tony. Alan : Be Lynn again. Can I have a second series? Lynn : Who am I… Alan : Just say yes! Lynn : Yes. Alan : Thank you [Pointing to pornographic material in his hotel room drawer] They were there when I moved in. Announcer : From Swaffham to Cromer on Estate Agent : Living room. Alan : Oh I like this, yes. Estate Agent : Swing a tiger in here really!
Not unless it had been stunned. Estate Agent to Lynn : Do you like the room? Hard worker. Alan : Yes. In fact, the best thing that I ever did was getting thrown out by my wife! He drinks that yellow stuff in tins. Is there a neighbourhood watch system? Estate Agent : I think so, yes. Otherwise people start taking liberties. Estate Agent : Shall we have a look at the rest of the house? Alan : Yep. On the way here quite near by I did see a community centre with a mural on the side? Estate Agent : School for the deaf.
Alan : Right. Difficult one to figure out, that. Alan: Not you, Lynn. Stay here. Estate Agent : This is the kitchen, obviously. Alan : Lovely. Has this kitchen been distressed? Estate Agent : Yes, it has, yes. Is that included? Estate Agent : Everything you want to keep here… can be kept or not. Alan : Optional. Alan : Yeah, get rid of it.
Estate Agent [Viewing the bathroom]: This is the bathroom. Alan : You know what this room says to me? Which is French for water. That is the icing on the cake!. If King Arthur had an extender on his table. Estate Agent : It would have been a different story really. Colonel Mustard in the en-suite bathroom, with a lead pipe. Alan [Viewing the bathroom]: I do like that toilet. I can imagine Buck Rogers taking a dump on that in the twenty-first century.
Mind if I have a go? Estate Agent : Sure, help yourself. Alan : Mind if I have a go on the loo? Estate Agent : Oh! Alan : I prefer to go alone. Estate Agent : Sure. Alan : Most times, thanks. Alan [After using the toilet]: It flushed on the first yank! I love this house! Lynn : Alan? Alan : One yank, gone! Alan : When did you get this call? Lynn : Three minutes ago. Lynn : You were on the toilet. Was I on that long?
Alan : Right, ok. One more question about the house, petrol stations nearby? Estate Agent : Shell, about a quarter of a mile down… Alan : Right, has it got a mini mart? Estate Agent : Mini mart? Alan : Scaled-down supermarket, fits inside a petrol station. Sells pies antifreeze? Estate Agent : Well, are you going to make me an offer? Alan : Yes of course, erm, how much is it? Alan : Err, would you take three hundred and twenty… four? Estate Agent : Yeah!
Alan : How many bedrooms has it got? Estate Agent : Fiver Alan : Five! My five bedroom bastard house! Right, Lynn. Estate Agent : Oh yes. Alan : Did you like it?
Estate Agent : I loved it! Alan : A-ha! Alan [With Tony entering the restaurant]: You know it says Partridge I can understand, but then cock and piss.
Waiter : Table for two, sir? Waiter : Like to follow me? Waiter : Would you like a drink first? Tony : Just a mineral water for me, please. Waiter : Will you be having wine with your meal? Tony : Not for me. Alan : All this wine nonsense! You know, wine this, wine that!.
Alan : Can I just shock you? I like wine! Despite what I just said earlier. At any one time I have nine bottles of wine in my house. Tony : Really? But with different shaped pasta. What do you call those pasta in bows? Like a bow-tie, but miniature?
Like an action man bow-tie. I like wine. Despite what I just said earlier. At any one time, I have nine bottles of wine in my house. For hair removal I'm James Bond. You've got to laugh when you fall off a sofa! Bloody Sofa. He really is. I was talking to him early and he asked me what kind of phone I had and I said a Motorola Timeport.
And he said, 'that's saaad, you wanna upgrade'. I said, so do you—to a new face. He nearly soiled himself! He said he was laughing so hard he had Kenco coming out of his nostrils, and that made me laugh. Which is French for water. It's like being inside an enormous Fox's Glacier Mint. Which, again, to me is a bonus. It's cruel really, isn't it? Getting a dog to lead a man 'round all day. Not fair on either of them. I'd like to place an order for two supplementary, auxiliary speakers, to go with my Midi Hi-Fi system, apropos achieving surround sound.
You got to have a basic grasp of Latin if you're working in.. Oh , you've got them excellent, one last thing, what time do you knock-off?
Fancy going for a drink? Sorry, just thought I'd ask. It's very futuristic, isn't it? Very, sort of, high-tech, space age. I can imagine Buck Rogers taking a dump on that. In the twenty-first century. Can I, have a go? Actively scan device characteristics for identification.
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